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Jon and I are getting ready to head out from Linwood, WA down to our hotel in Seattle.  There we’re going to hook up with Mike (ViolentMike) and Jen (Missho) from 1up.com.  From there it’s off to stand in a several hour line and then PAX.  winz0r! 

Current state of the world in 5 words: Rushing Coffee Pokemess in Diapers 

-Dread 

As I furrow my brow and scratch my head in a vein attempt to figure out how to use this iBook, I find my head whirling.  Still so much to do on this, the official beginning of the Road to Relaunch - SquirrelCannon ’08.  Jon (that_jon_guy), our beloved Editor-in-Chief and founder of the idea of what SQ should and will be, fumbles aimless with his camcorder.  He ponders the future implications of his coffee purchase and its effects on his bladder.  I prepare myself mentally to be climbed over several times in the 4 hour flight to come.

Nervous.  Upset stomach.  Excitement.  Bouncing knee.  Headache.  It’s like the strangest hangover.

I can’t believe Detroit Metro Airport wants me to pay $9.95 a month for wi-fi here.  I guess the first trial posting of “Crap Rares!” is going to have to wait until tonight.  Jon just took my picture.  I almost feel like a real journalist for once.  This fucking rocks.  There’s a PB&J stand here.  That also rocks, but not quite as hard.

Jon bought tea.  Thank you Jesus.

So, let’s get to the heart of things; My swag checklist for Friday.

1. Something from a booth that has no business being at PAX.

2. Something pirate-related.

3. Something with the Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft logos, respectively.

4. Free deck of cards from any CCG/TCG.

5. A new hat.

6. Atleast 2 shirts.

7. Something edible.

8. Something signed by a participating band.

9. Something ridiculously oversized.

10. Something promoting a game that I have no interest in purchasing.

Easy enough.  But Saturday and Sunday’s lists should prove to be more a challenge of my swag hunting skills.

Time to board…

Current state of the world in 5 words: Get Epic Party Buffs Ready

 

Later that day in Seattle, Washington…

 

Well, it’s grey, cool, and rainy on the west coast.  It’s actually a lot like living back on the west side of Michigan (aka - America’s High Five).  The fight sucked.  Warm, recycled air plus turbulence and headache equals hot, sick mess.  But we sally forth in the name of nerdity.

 

It’s time for a drink and an early bedtime.  I need my beauty sleep if I’m gonna be on camera this weekend.  Plus, I’ll need to be on top of my game to knock out my swag list and coerce people out of things.  Btw, if you’re a fan of Magic: the Gathering - we cover that now.  Check out our 1st episode of Crap Rares! here.  Good night from Seattle.

 

Current state of the world in 5 words: Loud Child - Jetlagged Vodka Pokemon

 

-Dread 

It used to seem so simple, didn’t it?  Run, jump, or swim from left to right, save the princess, repeat.  And that was enough.  But as we got older our lives became more complicated; the lines between good and bad, right and wrong, weren’t so easy to see. 

This maturation was reflected in our games.  Super Mario Bros. sparked our interest in battling monsters and traversing fantastical lands and paved the way for games like Final Fantasy VII.  ‘Just saving the princess’ wasn’t such an easy goal after the princess was murdered.  But what then?  Revenge?  Justice?  Or were they such different things? 

The road wasn’t straight anymore.  It had twists and turns that provoked choices.  Link, gamings symbol of humility and righteousness, took a darker path.  We gained insight on what it was to be a hero - sacrifice, pain, courage.  Even when you overcame the final hurdle, the victory could almost seem empty.  After all, so much was lost along the way.  And this is what real, adult decisions are like.  

Now that the NES generation is getting older, we understand that it’s not so easy to keep that unwavering focus on what it is that we really want.  Sometimes the sacrifice just seems so great that it goes unmade.  Things get in the way of dreams instead of the other way around.  Things like jobs and bills can begin to monopolize our attention.  The focus wanes and the stress takes hold. 

Many twenty-something gamers are finding that their day jobs are consuming much of their time.  And the case is quite the same with me - except that it’s more the daring adventures of a dashing corsair and recently unionized crew demanding a PPO that covers scurvy.  I guess what I’m really trying to say here is that SquirrelCannon.com needs someone to post about table top games, most especially Magic: the Gathering. 

So, for all the casual Magic players out there, here’s a special treat: Theme decks built around randomly selected crap rares.  Wait, what?  Lame!  This sucks!  I thought I was going to get to talk about how to sideboard in Vintage or even the metagame in Standard.  What is this, my punishment for missing every deadline since December of last year? 

that_jon_guy: Yes.  Now do my bidding, puppet! 

Well, it is with great regret zeal that I present to our one reader you “A Big Steamy Two” ”Crap Rares!” 

(Ugh, this is what hell must be like.  Alright; big, fake smile, reach into the dirty shoebox of crappiness, and write a playable decklist about…) 

Crap Rare # 1 - Coalition Victory

Sorcery - 3WUBRG

You win the game if you control a creature of each color and a land of each basic land type. 

/sigh.  Alright, for the uninitiated I’ll explain why this card sucks elephantitis balls.  First of all, this spell costs 8.  Even if you can make the color spread (which is every color in the game plus another 3, mind you) the entire culmination of your 60-card suckfest can be easily handled by any card containing the words, “counter target spell.”  But getting your win condition countered is the easy part.  Before you can bust a load in your pants from the excitement of actually winning a game with this abortion of cardboard and ink, you first need to meet its criteria. 

DAWNING VICTORY 

Artifacts

4x Smokestack

3x Trinisphere

4x Crucible of Worlds

4x Mox Diamond 

Artifact Creatures

4x Transguild Courier 

Enchantments

4x Ghostly Prison

2x Oblivion Ring

2x Spiritual Asylum 

Sorceries

4x Coalition Victory

4x False Dawn 

Nonbasic Lands

4x City of Traitors

4x Wasteland

1x Ghost Quarter

4x Flooded Strand

2x Tundra

1x Scrubland

1x Savannah

1x Plateau

1x Tropical Island

1x Volcanic Island

1x Underground Sea 

Legendary Lands

4x Flagstones of Trokair 

Condition 1: A creature of each color.  Any five color unplayable legend will do here.  However, it’s so much easier to run with Transguild Courier than say Atogatog or Karona, False God.  It doesn’t matter if the creature does anything or not.  Its job is essentially just to sit there and not die.  With a win condition like this, consistency is going to be the most prominent issue.  A creature that is every color and costs any color is just one less thing to worry about casting. 

Condition 2: A land of each basic land type.  *Spoiler alert*  The dual lands from Alpha through Revised and the shock lands from the Ravnica block meet this criteria.  What does that mean to you?  It means you don’t have to suffer by banking on resolving that Gaea’s Balance.  Phew.  Fetch lands are your greatest asset in attaining this goal.  Notice also the lovely synergy between the Smokestacks and the Flagstone of Troikar.  There’s even some recursion with the Crucible of Worlds.  Hey, this deck might actually be kinda fun to play!  After all, beating your opponent with Coalition Victory is like banging your worst enemy’s sister.  Sweet, sweet candy. 

Alright.  One down.  Next card! (Fishing around angrily in the shoe box of doom.  Got one.  Looks like it’s gonna be…) 

Crap Rare #2 - Flying Men

Creature - U

Flying

1/1 

Flying Men. Flying Men?  What in the hell is this doing in the rare box?  I know for a fact that this is not a rare!  It was printed first in Arabian Nights and then reprinted as a… Timeshifted card… which were technically considered rares in Time Spiral.  Oh c’mon!  You’re not gonna make me do this, are you? 

that_jon_guy: Lol. 

God!  What a douche!  Fine.  Here ya go. 

FUCK YOU, JON 

Creatures

4x Flying Men 

Basic Lands

56x Island 

There.  60 cards including 4 of the card pulled.  Job done.  Now suck it. 

that_jon_guy: :’( 

For serious?  These working conditions are like the controls in Advent Rising; enough to drive any man to drink. Ok.  Flying Men for some reason.  It’s small, cheap, and evades.  So basically I need to build a White Weenie deck, except using all blue stuff.  Wow.  I’d rather build White Weenie.  But I guess that’s the point, huh boss. 

that_jon_guy: He can be taught! 

Fuck you! 

SHRINKAGE (aka - BLUE WEENIE) 

Artifacts

4x Bonesplitter

3x Umezawa’s Jitte 

Creatures

4x Flying Men

4x Cloud Pirates

4x Cloud of Faeries

4x Saprazzan Heir

4x Tolarian Entrancer

4x Drifter Il-Dal 

Instants

4x Daze

4x Force of Will 

Sorceries

3x Concentrate 

Basic Lands

12x Island 

Nonbasic Lands

4x Lonely Sandbar 

Legendary Lands

2x Academy Ruins 

The idea with this deck is to play something on each of your first five turns (dude or equipment/equipping said dude) and turn your team sideways every combat phase.  The alternative casting cost counterspells should help you deal with any Wrath of Gods or Shatterstorms that happen to come your way while still keeping the pressure on.  The equipment makes for great bedfellows with the guys that have triggered “becomes blocked” abilities.  Concentrate fills your hand back up after you’ve played all of your little blue men and there’s some nice recursion with the Ruins and your equipment.  The Jitte on the dude with shadow can pretty much just win a game by itself, so this deck might actually fair pretty well. 

Feel free to tweak the little guys you play based on the needs of your casual environment, but don’t you dare lay a finger on my Flying Men.  They fly.  And they are men.  Poofy purple shirted men. 

… 

Alright, look.  Here’s the deal.  PAX starts tomorrow and I’m exhausted.  Besides, my third crap rare is the one, the only Millstone and this card demands some serious thought.  Also, I’ll link every card to the Gatherer next week when I have more time.  For serious. 

Also, Jon and I are supposed to be getting everything planned for the opening day of PAX tomorrow, but I can’t seem to draw his attention away Pokemon Emerald.  No, I’m serious.  Instead of getting ready for our biggest event to date, he’s breeding his Combee (which I had to ask him to spell).  EPIC CONTENT TO COME! 

-Dread 

This is a short story I wrote a while ago. I never really had the courage to submit it anywhere to get published (which is kind of a shame I guess) so I guess I might as well put it here.

Hope you enjoy it.

Jon

———-

It all started yesterday.

I had a couple of minute to kill before my Psychology class, so I stopped by the computer lab to check my email. For the most part, I got nothing more than your typical junk; some advertisements, a notice about some student function I had no interest in. Really, almost nothing of note.

Except one message. The subject line simply said…

Need to Talk

It was an email from my best friend and former boyfriend Billy. We hadn’t really spoken in two years. Not that we had any major falling out or anything. It’s just that, well, he went to one school and I went to another. It’s not that we didn’t want to see each other; we just didn’t have the time to see each other. We were just too busy.

When I saw that familiar name on the first message in my inbox, I knew something was up. I clicked on the link calmly. The message contained only two sentences.

Let’s meet at the usual place at 11. Need to talk to someone.

Something was wrong, I knew it.

There was little I could do at that point. 11 o’clock was eight hours off and I still had the rest of my classes to worry about.

With a sigh, I checked the rest of my email before packing up my books, grabbing my purse and heading to class. I tried my best to concentrate on the lectures all my professors gave, but the words in that email lingered in the back of my mind.

I was afraid I already knew what he needed to talk about.

Our usual spot was the old Mayburn Park by the airport. It’s almost always empty because of the noise of the passing planes. No families ever go near it. No kid in his right mind would be able to stand the constant noise from the never-ending flow of airliners.

That was the same reason stoners never hung out there either. The jet turbines drowned out the music terribly. It just made it too hard to appreciate the buzz. As a result, the park was nice and secluded. That’s why we made it our spot.

It sits in line with the airstrip. A person can lie down on a picnic table or on the grass and watch the jets’ underbellies as they scream off into the sky. The loud noise and the sudden gust of wind can do a lot to a person. You can just sort of melt away.

The noise is so loud it’s all you can hear. The rush of air is so strong it’s all you can feel. In that sudden moment when the sky disappears and all you see is paint and fuselage, well, let’s just say a person can lose herself in a moment like that. It’s a nice escape, even if it is for less than a second.

It had been our spot for years. Since middle school.

I pulled up shortly before eleven, just as a jet screamed by overhead.

Just like I had been there yesterday, I walked over to the beat up picnic table by the old Y shaped oak. The table was cover by all sorts of marking and engravings, most of which were ours. I threw my purse on the ground before sitting down on the tabletop, resting my feet on the bench. I laid down and immediately was greeted by the star filled sky. The same sky that greeted me two years ago. The sky that waited for me to return this whole time.

I slowly dangled my arm down and grasped a handful of grass. I clenched my fist, ripping the grass out of the ground. Then I slackened my grip, letting the uprooted blades fall back to the ground.

I’m not sure how long it took. It could have been minutes; it could have been an hour; but shortly after I heard the sound of a car pulling up. The car’s radio was off. All I can hear was the sounds of gravel and dirt grinding below the tire as the car stopped with a faint squeal. I closed my eyes, drew a breath and listened.

I listened for his distinctive sound. The sound I had known for ten years. Soon enough, the shuffling sounds of shoes dragging over grass and dirt filled my ears. I knew with confidence that those were his footsteps. Billy was never one to lift his feet when he walked. The sound of his footsteps relaxed me, and I could once again open my eyes and stare at the heavens above.

Soon the shuffling came to a stop. “Hey,” I said gazing upwards.

“Hey,” he replied in his familiar baritone voice.

Like clockwork, he slowly stepped up onto the bench, turned, and laid down next to me. Just like we did two years ago, the last time we met here. Just like the first time we came here six years ago, when we were dating. The two of us just laid there in silence, staring at the sky. The same patient sky we stared at two years ago.

“So what’s up?” I asked breaking the silence.

We both heard the sounds of a distant turbine roar. I immediately took a deep breath and held it. I heard Billy do the same just as the jet screamed across the sky.

It was an old habit from times long forgotten. Somehow, somewhere, we had gotten the idea that bad luck spirits in the ground would use our breath to jump up into the planes above. In our minds it was our duty, our obligation to make sure that those bad spirits never made it to the plane. That’s why we held our breath. We trap the spirits long enough for the plane to travel safely by.

Simultaneously we exhaled. The jet had passed. The bad luck never had the chance to use our bodies to jump to the plane. It missed its chance and would have to wait for the next one.

“So seriously,” I asked. “What’s up? You sounded urgent.”

“Nah, nothin’ serious,” he replied casually.

“No come on, tell me,” I replied just as casually. “A person normally doesn’t call out a friend he hasn’t seen in two years for nothing.”

“Nah, nothin’ urgent. Jus’… lonely.”

“Oh,” I replied. “That’s all.”

“Yep.”

We continued to look up into the sky at the distant stars. I remembered, just a few years ago, being able to see more of them in the sky. Now with the massive lights of the ever expanding city and suburbs, it seemed as though only the brightest of stars even had the slightest chance of getting through. The smaller ones just got lost in the shuffle.

“Hey,” Billy said, breaking the silence. “Have you ever… thought of something?”

I paused to see if Billy had just more to the question. After a minute of silence, I calmly asked. “Something, like a specific something or just something in general?”

“Specific.” Billy paused for a second. “Well… suppose…” Billy hesitated, “Okay, suppose you’re driving down a two lane highway. Let’s say… east to west.”

“Which way am I driving?”

“Hmm, let me think.” We held our breath again as another jet interrupted the starlight once more. After the jet disappeared beyond our line of sight Billy continued, “East. Say you’re driving along and you notice in the distance another car coming in the opposite direction.”

“Okay.”

“And suddenly, this… this feeling comes over you. This feeling that…” Billy paused.

I could tell he was thinking deeply about what he was planning on saying next. He had been thinking about this for a while and yet he was still scrounging for words; or the courage to say those words.

“This feeling comes over you,” he continued. “Like you want to just… just… turn into his lane and… hit him. Head on. Like you just want to…” Billy trailed off.

For a minute the two of us sat in silence as I thought about what he had asked. “How fast would we be going?”

“Is fifty fatal?”

“I’m pretty sure it is. If I’m going fifty and he’s going fifty, we’re going to hit with a hundred miles per hour of force.” I thought about this for a minute. In my mind I pictured two cars colliding head on. Glass and metal splintered everywhere as the two vehicles began to merge into one. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’d be fatal.”

“So… have you ever thought about something like that?”

I paused as I stared at a distant red star that I thought was Mars. “No. I can honestly say I have never thought about that.”

“Oh…” Billy replied sounding a bit dejected. We both inhaled and held our breath as another jet roared by. The shadowy white underbelly of the plane swallowed the sky for a split second. Then, as quickly as it came, it was gone and the starry night greeted us once again.

“I guess that crash would probably be fatal for the other driver too, wouldn’t it?” Billy resumed once the jet cleared.

“Probably,” I hesitated for a second. Slowly, I opened my mouth. “Have… have you thought about doing that?”

Billy went silent. “Sometimes.” He thought for a couple of seconds. “But I guess killing the other driver wouldn’t be that cool.”

The two of us laid there in silence. In the distance we heard the sounds of another turbine. Once the sound closed in we held our breath as the giant metal bird roared overhead. We both exhaled once it passed.

“Okay, how about another one,” Billy said. “You know those highways that have the sidewalk right next to them despite the dangerously fast traffic?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you ever thought what if…” Billy paused, thinking his statement through before it left his mouth. “What if one of those cars were to just…slip. You know, off the road and hit you. If that were to happen…”

“I’m staring to see a pattern here. Is there something you’re trying to tell me Billy?”

Billy paused. For a good two minutes the only sound I could hear was Billy reaching down and scratching a mosquito off of his knee.

Eventually, he spoke.

“I think I want to die.”

“You think?”

Billy thought for a second. ”No, I know. I want to die.”

“Oh,” I replied.

The two of us laid in silence. With no sounds of distant turbines, the air began to fill with the sounds of crickets chirping, desperate to have a full conversation with each other before being interrupted by the next jet. Billy and I eavesdropped on their conversations while we mulled over what has just been said between the two of us.

“So,” I said after a long silence. “Do I have to turn our lives into an after school special, or are you beyond the point of no return?”

Billy laughed. “No, I don’t think so. I’m probably too chicken to do it anyway.”

“So what caused this revelation? I mean I know life’s been… uncomfortable for you your whole life.” I paused. “Wow that sentence was redundant. I used the word life twice in once sentence. Yeah, I’m college material.” I joked.

“Heh,” Billy replied.

I paused, getting back on track. “Anyway, what’s been the cause? I mean why now?”

“I don’t know.” He sighed. “No, I’m lying, I know.” Billy took a deep breath. “You know how people can sort of step back from their own lives and take a look at the grand scheme. How they just, take a moment and look at their surroundings to see just where exactly they fit in in the world?”

“Yeah.”

“I did that… but I couldn’t find myself. I couldn’t see where I fit in. Like… Like, I’m this odd jigsaw puzzle piece that no matter how hard you strain or adjust or manipulate, you just can’t fit it in. It just doesn’t belong.”

I gazed deeply into the night sky as Billy took a breath. I knew what he was saying hurt him. Not in the sense that his words were some hate filled virus that someone had planted in his head. Nor were they the words of some demonic force that has taken over his will.

They were the words of something he truly believed.

“I feel like I’m alive, but in body only. Like I’m alive, but I’m not… filled with life. Like…” Billy paused for another breath. “Like, I’m alive, but for no real reason. Do you understand what I mean?”

I peered deep into the night sky, hoping maybe the stars would give me the answer that I needed. But I found no help. I could only think of one thing to say. “So, you’ve decided?”

Billy thought before speaking. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

“So… You’re going to do it? Like right away?”

“No, probably not right away. Like I said, I’m kinda chicken. I’ve never been one to have any tolerance for pain.”

“Have you thought about what this is gonna do for the others around you?”

“Yeah, actually that’s another reason why I’m as hesitant as I am. I’m sure dad wouldn’t be all that happy that his son killed himself ten years after his wife killed herself.” Billy extended his arms upward, giving them a good stretch. “Besides, I don’t think dad would be able to afford the funeral anyway.”

I felt an odd tingle in my chest as I thought about that last sentence. Soon, the tingle began to grow into a low rumble. I knew what it was and I tried to suppress it as much as possible. But to no avail. I had burst out in laughter. “Listen to you. You want to kill yourself and the only pain you think will hit your dad is in his wallet?”

“What? Funerals are expensive!” Billy remarked in a matter of fact tone.

“Listen to you. Geez, you’ve always been such a cheapskate.”

The two of us started laughing together. The crickets quickly joined in, as if the whole park were enjoying our laugh.

Soon, the laughter in us died down and only the sounds of the crickets remained. I reached down and scratched an itch on my left thigh. “So… how soon should I expect the bad news?”

“Not sure. I honestly doubt it’d be anytime soon. Heck, there’s even a chance I might reconsider.”

Billy sat up. I averted my eyes from the sky and finally got a good look at him.

He’d gotten a bit taller and thinner since I’d last laid eyes on him, but he was still the same Billy. The same unkempt hair that I had once pushed my hands through. The same dry lips that I had once pressed against mine. Those same sullen eyes that had the same dejected glimmer I had always known. The eyes that spoke of nothing but sorrow and pain and yet had always greeted me with a warm smile. The eyes I had once lost myself in. They were all still there.

I propped myself up, leaning against my elbows. We heard the distant sound of a turbine behind us and we turned our heads upwards to greet it.

As the giant airliner passed overhead, I took a deep breath, puckered my lips and blew gently into the sky. Just this once, they can share the bad luck that’s keeping my friend down. Just this once, I’d like those unlucky spirits to travel far from this spot and leave us alone. Just this once, I can let the bad luck go through my breath.

But in the corner of my eye, I can see Billy.

He’s holding his breath.