Shaking the Etch-A-Sketch
April 5th, 2009This isn’t working.
This phrase has crossed my mind countless times for the past two years. Day in and day out I have been going about my business here in Michigan, each day delving deeper and deeper into an apathetic coma. I go to work. I ignore the prevailing chicanery and ridiculousness of the world that is Detroit. I go home, jump onto Warcraft, and opiate myself with virtual world escapism. I have been doing this for two years, letting my abilities, my skills atrophy more and more with each passing day.
This isn’t working.
Before I continue, I have to apologize for the downtrodden start to this post. I have made it a point to have a more optimistic or constructive bend to my writings. There is enough hatred, bile and snark infesting the internet that adding another drop into that ocean of condescension will about to a whole lot of nothing.
But this time I really cannot avoid writing this way. There’s just too much that needs to be said regarding my current situation and what I’m doing to change it. I mean one cannot change things regarding his life without acknowledging that the status quo is just not cutting it. I do think this is for the best and that I do feel that this is the right decision.
Likewise, I am normally adverse to writing self centered posts. I have always written with the mantra of “write about what interests you. If it interests you, it is bound to interest someone else.” And for me, I have never found my own life interesting. I’m not Hunter S. Thompson. I can never become the focus of my own writing, nor would I want to subject my readers to me in that way. My life is extraordinarily boring. I sleep. I work. I play games. It is hardly riveting material.
But lately, I’ve been acknowledging more and more my growing discontent. My discontent for my situation. My discontent with my lifestyle. My discontent with my surroundings. I’ve been beginning to wonder if there is more to life than this. More to life than just my routine of sleep, work and games. If I am missing out on something more.
I apologize about the extreme narcissism of this post. I really hate talking about myself (every word I type is another razor slash to my sense of modesty), but I feel I have to put this all out on paper (or pixels in this case). Drastic change like this is not something that comes easy to me.
I’ve decided to finally move out of Michigan.
It’s a bit of an odd situation I find myself in. I have lived in Michigan for my entire life. Aside from the occasional visit to other sections of the North America, Seattle, Toronto, Chicago, I have not really stepped outside of the Great Lakes State. It’s so odd. I have come to associate myself with this state and this region for so long. I can recall speaking proudly of my state of origin with pride in various forums and discussions. I’ve stood up for the former pride of the Mid-West, extolling its importance in the world. I have for the longest time been one of the strongest advocates for this region.
But I’ve began to question that pride as of late. From the state’s recent past affairs containing rampant corruption in it’s largest city’s highest office, to the mostly self-inflicted crippled condition of the state’s most powerful corporation, to the overwhelming malaise that has gripped this state. It has just been very difficult to see the bright side of the region. With so many negative hash-marks that the state has against it right now, I’ve been questioning why I have for so long I have remained content to stay here.
This is compounded by what I have experienced in the past year; working within said self-crippled largest corporation and dealing with the day in and day out trivializations that are legitimized as work. With its many flawed and outdated processes that are revered as law, it is easy to see why the company is in the state that it is. It has been become more and more clear to me every day. Michigan is dying.
So why am I still here? That’s the question I’ve begun to ask myself. The best I can attribute it is that I have been victim to one of the strangest cases of Stockholm syndrome ever.
I don’t want to get into too much detail concerning my time at GM. I would rather just leave it as is and move on. But my time here has shown me without a shadow of a doubt how the state of affairs have degraded so badly and how far gone this state truly is.
So that leads me to my current situation. I have always gone under the notion that if you cannot change your situation, change your attitude. It’s a very healthy way at proceeding with tasks or jobs that you don’t like. If things aren’t going your way, maybe your expectations are too high. Maybe a simple shift in focus might help.
Usually this works, and I find myself able to trudge on. But lately it’s just gotten harder and harder to keep on going. My “change my attitude” outlook was not working. The work is not getting easier nor more enjoyable. My life is getting more sedentary. I am actually starting to stutter in my speech. I have never stuttered before. I used to act and do public speaking in high school. Something is just not right. I can’t keep this up.
Several weeks ago I was listening to Studio 360 on NPR while I was my way to my friend Dean’s place to DM D&D. The show was taking a look at life in Japan.
It was a simple expository, done in the new age NPR manner a la This American Life. However, as I was listening one of the stores struck me.
The story focused on Aokigahara, the forest at the foot of Mt. Fugi. The forest is considered one of the treasures of Japan, a pristine span of forestry within driving distance of Tokyo. However, in recent years it has grown in infamy for a very different reason. It has become the most popular site for suicides in Japan.
As the reporter noted, Japan has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. He speaks about the Japanese’s lack of ability to escape. Unlike America, where the country is so large that you can move and leave your past behind, the Japanese don’t have as much luxury. When a cross country trip is only a single train ride, and with family ties and tradition so strong, it is just too hard to simply pack up and start over. With no place to go, suicide is seen as one of the only options.
That put things into perspective for me. The words that the reporter’s translator said struck me the most. “In America, they can move and they can leave their past behind because the country is so big and there are lots of people… you can easily switch your places and change your lifestyle.” Which is something that I have come to understand more and more in the past couple of years. I CAN just pack up and move. I have no ties to the area beyond my parents and siblings. I have not wife. I have not children. Hell, I don’t even have a girlfriend right now. I have zero outstanding debt. My car is paid off. My student loan is paid off. There really is not reason for me to stay at this point.
I love Michigan. With all of its flaws, the crappy weather, the corrupt government, the inept leadership of it’s major industry, Michigan is still an amazing state with its storied traditions, kind people and its rich atmosphere. It’s just not the right place for me right now.
This is without a doubt, the biggest roll of the dice I have ever done in my life. I don’t have anything lined up in Seattle. I’ve been trying to find employment there for over a year, but I have always met with the same results, “If you were over here we might consider you.” Now is the time to finally do something about it.